An Email 'Forward" for the Masses

Here is an email forward I received. Normally I do not even bother to open anything that has "FW" in the topic line, but how could you pass up "Church Bulletin Blunders"? Really? How? It was a click well worth the effort. One of my especial favorites, being the last one. Thank the heavens I did not ever come across any of these in real life, while sitting in a church. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They maybe seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."