5150: The patient, the idiot at the gas station or myself?

As a private ambulance company without the county contract, the majority of the calls were non-emergency in nature. Sometimes, the county provider would be overwhelmed, and a general call out would broadcast over the county radio asking for an ambulance. Here is a story about one such situation, and the events that follow. One day The Corporal reported for regular duty on a 24 hour shift with one of her favorite partners. The day began routinely enough. She and Mimi checked out the rig , ran routine calls (convalescent home shuffle) a few not so routine calls (belligerent patients, lift assists, extractions from TINY crowded rooms), traveled all up and down the San Francisco Peninsula in the name of efficient call response and did some PR (ie: bestow tons of pens and calendars embellished with the company logo upon many a nurses station). Mimi even introduced her to the gastric abomination that is Mr.Chau's: 'Chinese' Fast-food(poisoning). While 'fast', The Corporal begged to argue on the 'Chinese' and 'Food' description. After 'dinner', they retired to quarters, changed into jumpsuits and set themselves up in front of the TV with ice-cream. "Hmmm..." Thought The Corporal,"it's 9:00pm and nary a call for the past few hours. " Aloud , she said"Mimi, we better get some shut-eye or else the mother of all calls is going to come in." The 2 EMT's drifted off to la-la land in no time at all. Shortly after midnight, the 'bat-phone' rang.

• Mimi: *yawn*South County Quarters...
• The Corporal: *Falls out of bed onto 'Jump kit' she had been restocking earlier that evening*DAMMIT! *GROAN-Mr. Chau's is SOOOO not food! URP.
• Mimi: County turnover? Ok.*Hangs up phone* C'mon Nae. Code 3 County Turnover. It's your turn to drive.
• The Corporal: *picks up jump kit after brief struggle with top of jumpsuit, and heads to rig*-Code 3? Did dispatch say what chief complaint was.
• Mimi: Nope. Only that PD was on scene and scene was secure.
• The Corporal: *raises eyebrow* That's encouraging.
• Mimi: County Com, Bayshore 454 en route.
• County: Bayshore 454 enroute Code 3 to location for 5150 transport...blah blah blah.
• Mimi and The Corporal:*staring at each other*Code 3 to a 5150 (danger to self and others)? That can't be good!

As they arrived on scene, they were greeted by 2 officers. There was also a woman in cuffs 'sitting' (for lack of a better word) in one of the police cars attempting to gnaw on the back seat (it also appeared that she had licked the window once or twice), and a myriad of medication bottles, 'paraphernalia' and various purse contents gracing the trunk lid . As Mimi retrieved the gurney, The Corporal began to take report from the officers. (Note: I am leaving out a bunch of boring blah blah blah, because one, it is boring, and two, It's boring!).

Needless to say, Madame accused the EMT's of transporting her just because they wanted to touch her "boobies" and I quote, "WELL I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU! I HAVE NO BOOBIES! TAKE THAT!". But, that's not all she had to say to Mimi and The Corporal.

• Madam: Are you the tooth fairies?
• The Corporal: No ma'am.
• Madam: THEN WHY ARE YOU TAKING ME? I know my rights. *Spits at Mimi who is attempting to get her on gurney*
• Mimi: Ma'am. Please do not spit on, at or towards me.
• Mimi and Corporal don face mask and safety glasses, while pulling hair into a ponytail.
• Madam: That's right ladies! Pull your hair back, you can't take me without a fight! *louder* I'm being oppressed! You little panty waist boys couldn't handle me, so you call the 'boobs' out to get me! HA! *Spit, spit spit*
• Corporal: Ma'am *dodges spittle* Please do not make us ask you not to spit again.
• Madame:(while LYING on the gurney, with head elevated a little) * spins head around like a parakeet and SPITS at Corporal who is lifting the gurney up into loading position. In one fluid motion, SPITS again at officers on each side of her, and at Mimi on other end of gurney, much like a lawn sprinkler.* Take THAT oppressors! False Imprisonment! *SPIT*

Meanwhile, in an attempt to restrict her movements (ie: multiple attempts to headbutt Mimi, despite restraints), Mimi and The Corporal, folded the gurney blanket and used it as a larger strap of sorts.

• Madame: *slowly* Is...THAT...A...WOOL...blanket????
• Corporal: Yes ma'am. Are you allergic to wool?
• Madam: NO YOU IDIOT. I HATE SHEEP!!! Damn sheep!

The crew completed the call without further ado, and traveled to central quarters to decontaminate the ambulance, AND themselves. Three hours later, they were back at their own quarters and drifted off into much deserved sleep.

At 7am, they were jarred awake by the relief crew .

• Incoming Crew: We hear you ladies had a quite a night. Since you had so much fun, why don't you complete our shift, and we'll see you tomorrow?
• Mimi and The Corporal: *Volley pillows and boots at incoming crew*

What a night. The Corporal dragged herself home, showered and headed back out with her Mother. She pulled in to the gas station (front pump) and proceeded to fill her truck. Meanwhile, a car fuels up behind her. She looks up at the sound of screeching tires, and the sound of a horn. Apparently a tanker had blocked the man behind her , in his attempt to do his job and refuel the gas station.

• Idiot: *HONK! HOOOOONK* Will you move your truck? I need to leave.
• Corporal: *blink* blink* EXCUSE ME?
• Idiot: MOVE!*gets out of car and moves towards her*
• Corporal: *points finger at Idiot, and feels face getting flushed* I am in the middle of filling my truck. Do you really expect me to stop fueling, climb my ass back into my truck, MOVE out of your way, THEN back up and start all over again?
• Idiot: Yes! Now MOVE .

*Crickets Chirping* . The Corporal was flabbergasted. She could not believe her ears! Not only was this rude little man clearly out of his mind, he was starting to make a move towards the gas pump. The air was heavy when the truck drivers voice cut through. "Now Miss, go ahead and take your time. Sir, I SUGGEST you get back in your car and wait."

• Idiot: But she is in my way, and I want to leave. *advances towards gas pump*
• Corporal: THAT IS IT! I have been up almost all night. I was poisoned by fast food, I have been barfed on, peed on, shit on and SPIT on. I have driven so many miles in the past 24 hours, I could be in DISNEYLAND by now, and you want TO START WITH ME? One more step and you will be singing soprano! (Note: She had sprinkled several choice words in this little speech which have been edited out, so as not to make the sailors blush.)
• Idiot: *Runs back to car* You are crazy! Crazy Bitch!

The Corporal finished fueling her truck, and though she did not need one, waited patiently for a receipt to print. She then got in her truck, adjusted her seat, checked her mirrors, made sure her Mother was buckled in, checked her mirrors again, then sloooooowly pulled away from the pump amid a chorus of cheers from other gas station customers and a thumbs up from the nice truck driver. Needless to say, Mr. I'm-in-such-a-huge-hurry- I -am-willing-to-be-an-ass-about it was not in such a hurry after all. He was still at the pump by the time The Corporal pulled out of the driveway.

Now I ask you...does this look like a crazy person to you? OK, so it has been mentioned that The Corporal looks a bid maddened and "bitchy" in it. It was after all , taken hours after she went off duty from the "Surreal shift" and after the Gas Station Incident. *Sigh!* One day...she just MAY fit into those pants again, but she harbors no illusions about the abs. Don't you just LUUUURVE the hair?