STOP, DROP, and ROLLLLLLL!!!! (among other things I have learned lately.)

I have been on hiatus for quite a few weeks now. I am currently caring for my Grandparents out in the middle of beautiful Calaveras County, California. (Yes, home of Mark Twain’s famous jumping frogs.) While away from home, out in the middle of nowhere, I have realized a few things. I am sure there are more, but here is my list for now.

• I have a sneaking suspicion that there is a pile of mail that was supposed to get to the post office some time ago, but was forgotten when I was home last, some 5 weeks ago or so.
• This lame (Dell) laptop computer I brought with me is a giant piece of crap. It is a craptastic tribute to technology. The settings are screwed up so that I can’t even click to SEND email, or even check my Comcast account. I forgot the admin password because I am lame, and can’t even reinstall the OS. (Believe me, I have spent HOURS trying. Why didn’t I take the good laptop?)
• I can live out of a suitcase.
• I can live without access to fast food, department stores and most manners of convenience.
• Tuna and I are no longer friends. Pears are not my friends anymore, either.
• I can live without Jamba Juice, and beauty salons.
• I can live without DSL (even though it irks me that dial-up is painfully slow, and the laptop I brought prevents me from checking my Comcast email and a few websites.
• I can tolerate being jarred awake at O’Dark Thirty by a rooster I SWEAR lives under my bedroom window.
• 2 year olds can outrun their Moms any day. Especially when it is more fun to run around in the red clay dirt with white socks on at naptime.
• Tons of grasshoppers are a fact of life out in the middle of nowhere. It is funny to watch the chickens chase them around their pen, and crash into the food dish or the fence. It is NOT funny when one jumps into your hair and you can’t reach it to knock it free. Instead, you must run around the yard in circles screaming " Aggghhhh! Get it off! Get it off! Get it OFFF!’ while your Grandfather laughs at you before swatting you on the head with a garden glove.
• I can walk outside barefoot and not be freaked out when I accidentally kick a tree frog across the driveway.
• It is a good idea to check for spiders BEFORE you crawl around your mustang that has been sitting under a cover for a few months. Especially when it is parked next to a pond. There may be frogs in there as well.
• It is prudent to check one’s shoes before stuffing one’s feet in them after leaving them on the porch overnight. It is VERY unpleasant to put your shoes on, only to discover a lizard, spider or frog has taken up residence in them. It is however, cheap entertainment for a 2 year old to watch his Mama dance around screaming ‘Ewwwwwww!’ while making funny faces..
• It is NOT a good idea to gorge oneself on fresh figs picked from the tree on the side of the house. You pay for it later.
• The view from the dining room is wonderful. Especially during electrical storms.
• I can spend all night on the front porch gazing at the universe without city lights and smog marring my view.
• I love the landscaping. The abundance of ancient Oaks and moss covered boulders dotting the rolling hills covered in wild grasses and brush is stunning.
• The surroundings here are conducive to creative writing. If I can finish my outline and notes on "Last Request" I’ll be able to finish the actual writing of the story in no time.
• It is not a good idea to cook while exhausted. And if you do, it is a good thing when one has fire suppression experience, and a bra made of fire retardant material…

Ok…I know what you are thinking. ‘WHAT was that last thing you said?’ Yes. I said, ‘bra made of fire retardant material.’ Let me set it up for you. Now, seeing as I am far from home, and at least an hour or so drive to a decent shopping venue, I took it upon myself to do some heavy duty cooking to stave off boredom. You know, the kind of recipes that take a huge amount of effort and prep time? One of the things that I decided to make was ‘Lumpia’. For those of you not in the know, I guess you can say they are the Filipino version of ‘Eggrolls’. Now, as it was, I was making what my sister lovingly refers to as the ‘Cheaters Version’ , meaning I used ground meats and frozen veggies. However, the most time consuming part is wrapping them, so by the time I was at the actual cooking stage, I was very bored and tired. There I was, standing in front of the stove tending to a batch of lumpia, frying merrily away in a frying pan with about an inch or so of cooking oil. It was an electric stove, so I wasn’t too concerned about stove-top conflagrations. Now, what exactly happened next, I am not too sure of. All I know, is that being short, the top of the stove was almost at boob height, and I was holding a paper towel in one hand (I am guessing in front of my chest.) to wipe up errant grease splatters. Next thing I know, I am thinking to myself. ‘Damn! My boobs feel hot. Am I having hot flashes? It feels as if I were fighting a fire or standing in front of a campfire… OH SHIT! My boobs are on fire! Bloody Hell! I’m fricking Mrs. Doubtfire!’ I swatted at my chest with a kitchen towel, and tossed the fiery paper towel into the sink. Meanwhile, my son is pointing and laughing at me. ‘Oh no! Fire! Mama boobies on fire! Mama? What happened to boobies? Ha ha ha! Mama boobies on fire!’ Niiiiiice. Once I had everything under control, I tossed the burnt tank top into the sink with the kitchen towel and greasy paper towel. Remarkably, my bra appeared unsinged, and I immediately thanked the Gods of Undergarments for a fire retardant bra, saving my ‘girls’ from being set ablaze. At least Robin Williams was wearing falsies when his caught fire. I think I will go invent a breast protector for women, or perhaps just start wearing a nomex jacket when I cook. *sigh!